I love myself again

I took a trip recently to visit my best friend and along the way we sat, we talked, I soaked up the California air that I missed so much. During those intimate talks, my guy friends looked up at me and said, “We never understood why, and we never got a good feeling from that guy.” I was shocked. I thought the opposite. I asked why and the response after, “Because you are not dysfunctional enough for him and he seems dangerous.” Dangerous.. is what was said. When I heard those words I couldn’t believe it. Dangerous is a big word. And to say that - I felt shocked? We spent little time talking about it because I knew I had all of my answers. I knew deep down. But still, I wanted to believe that it could be different. But the writing was on the walls, even when strangers looked at us they were shocked. No one could understand. And I would hide my puzzled face just as much. But after that, they gave me a hug and said how proud they were of me and reminded me in that moment of who I was, and where home was. The water.

It feels good to be free. To those who have been reading - I cannot wait to share with you all what I have in store. Heartbreak, as debilitating as it is such beauty comes from it. And I am finally free. and I can finally breathe. And most of all, I love myself again. I came back to the water, and it set me free. I remembered all of who I am, who you made me put away for so long. The narcissists still live inside of you and will control you. Forever. And you will destroy everything in your path until you are sober.

I’m doing grief right. In my exhaustion, impatience, frustration, and all the rest, I’m a good griever. Am I there yet? No. That’s correct.” Jessica Dore